3 things men can do to promote gender equity | Jimmie Briggs

please welcome to the stage Jimmy Briggs several years ago I found myself on a stage before an audience for a topic not like the one I'll be speaking about today I stepped out to the spotlight with the repair marks X into my memory feeling very confident assured and then I began my talk but something happened when I got to the third line I froze so in that moment I everybody quickly I took a deep breath shrug my shoulders and got back in there I started over again the same thing happened I froze again so now at this point I'm thinking I might have a count of Owen to the school either way if I push forward I could be the hero or if I shirt off the stage and embarrass my accumulation I won't ever forget it so I take the breath shrug the shoulders look up for a divine intervention and start over again I froze again at the same spot the third lining which I add your Hurst but this time life froze I broke down not to sobbing but in the city tears I was shaking recognizing the crisis I was in the organizer of the event came up to onstage to me put her arm around my shoulder hugged me the audience applauded the person had been working with me to rehearse my remarks and help me craft them he came down as well the three of us hugged we sat down and talked through the speech I admit to had intended to give in that audience that happen to be a number of journalists and bloggers and one of them actually wrote about it for the Huffington Post now when I heard the chief it in about Alice I was a little little nervous little scared to read it but once I had I felt affirmed I felt seen because she read the piece not from a place of condemnation or judgment or humiliation but affirmation and maybe to a certain degree inspiration whenever I recollect to think about that story I think about stumbling when you stumble you can still back stumble backwards maybe you'll catch yourself maybe you'll fall down completely hit your head fall on your back hurt yourself directly when you stumble forward you have the opportunity to right yourself to not fall completely to the ground to maintain momentum and that's in that situation I felt like I was stumbling forward today I'm going to talk to you about stumbling forward or failing forward failure is is a huge topic it's something that that wraps around the narrative our entire lives from the cradle to the grave so today I want to talk to you about failure through to two lenses fill your relationship and failure of wellness now I knew in childhood growing up that I was not going to be one of the heroes or real men the action stars like I saw TV shows or movies people like Bruce Willis Danny Glover Arnold Schwarzenegger Sylvester Stallone Willis guys weren't sensitive or soft they weren't physically awkward they weren't uncomfortable being loners or being alone in other words they were not me so I made a decision if I couldn't be those guys I just embraced who I was I was that I was the geek the nerd I was the guy who at the basement party in the 80s was standing against the wall were not too cool clothes holding up the half-empty cup of water down fruit punch I was the guy who was the last person chosen to be on on a team on the playground I was sure stocky awkward I was a nerd which to those who know me now may not be much of a surprise so I made a decision there's a major decision before as I entered adulthood the decision I made was to be strategic people said I could write well I was with conversationalist and a little bit of a lot of things so I became a journalist for 20 years I went to places most of you've never heard of and a little about or if you do know something of them have no desire to go there and to be honest with you as a rush I love the action once I was in in the past identity factories in the West Bank Ramallah dodging is really gunfire what can go Munna Palestinian teenager another instance I was in a neighborhood in Medellin in Colombia with a group of voice soldiers who were fighting against rebels during a government-led ant ant surgery operation called Operation Orion I was also in Rwanda at the genocide stepping on the remains of countless people women men and children who were slaughtered in those three months in 1984 it was the life I didn't vision for myself if I couldn't be a hero or action star in youth or childhood I was gonna creat that narrative for myself and adulthood going around the world capturing stories put my life on the line it fit my ego as we know a journal in Eagle go together but while this real hero real man fantasy was being realized another another tragedy was happening parallel to that narrative I was feeling my family my parents my wife my daughter by being away by traveling by embracing that lifestyle they'll make me feel like a real man over a hero I thought they'd being a documentary journalist I could have it all I could be held up or affirmed in my own identity and I could also be the hero the man the parent the father but I thought I would be when the time came but I stumbled I failed my wife and I separated for almost a year and in that time I had to decide whether I was more attracted or in love with her and being with her or without love the rush of being in the field I love the action the bangbang so after a year we got back together we reconciled we moved back in together she got pregnant we had a daughter who soon be 15 and for the first few months after her birth I actually was I feel like I was embodying that ideal of being a good husband being a good father but then I was in New York City when 9/11 happened and I just felt that call to get back in the field I thought the call to feel the rush to be in the action and so I went to South Asia for a period of time several months in fact of course as you can imagine I came back home my marriage fell apart it was just too much of a strain on my wife my family that chosen the field chosen the action or my responsibilities so we got divorced and I had to learn from that failure I had to grow from it at the stumble forward so I decided to leave journalism I felt that I had the opportunity a chance of reconnecting with my daughter who is still quite young then and actually seeding memories in her my father who is present was invested who cared I had to discontinue that life so I left journalism to start a nonprofit organization that would engage in mobilize young people to stopping gender-based violence as well as promoting gender equity I wanted to honor the woman in children the survivors who might met in countless journeys who'd shared their stories with me in the hope I would do something with them not just we count them but carry them forward and make their make their experiences matter so I felt by starting a non-profit I could be the father I always thought I could be I wanted to be and I could still hold myself up as a real man an action hero I could still hold that narrative close but in a different fashion so I launched this nonprofit organization with the collaboration of a dedicated passionate investor group of people all volunteers worked alongside me to realize this vision that I had in the summer of 2010 in July in South Africa specifically we launched a sogok organization during the FIFA World Cup we brought together young people from 25 countries from around the world for a week-long program for mentorship training connection preparation to go back to the respective countries and start the work of addressing the needs that women who were enduring Vons had as well as holding up this model of new masculinity new gender inclusion for their peers for mainly teenagers and because of this vision that I made realize with a lot of assistance because of my ability to speak eloquently about what I seen as a journalist and we count those stories and use them strategically that space but donors the philanthropists other organizations the State Department the UN they held me up for it it was really low hanging fruit because you know I was one of a few men roughly speaking who were doing this type of work who were standing up on behalf of women and with women to promote gender equality and to urge an effort to stop gender-based violence I was also one of the few men of color so I stood out in that space but you know as it always happens ego took over and I stumbled GQ magazine gave me an award that give me the man of the Year award my mother flew lot from Missouri to be with me in New York we sat at a table with Demi Moore Ashton Kutcher Jimmy Fallon Nick brought Nick Cannon came over to me Chris Brown shook my hand all these celebrities and stars fitted me they held me up applauded me on stage when I got my reward my awarded trophy my watch and I loved it I ate it up soaked it up but the stumble led to a major failure because when I was doing that work of being a gender activists coming out of coming out of journalism to another field of being a hero being a star I maintain the lifestyle I pushed through when I was tired I slept very little when I was sick I felt medicated instead of saying no to some things I said yes to everything and that's when it came a week after the GQ award ceremony one early October morning I woke up staring at the ceiling from my bed in a hospital room and I see you I see you and since of care unit my mother was in the corner she was crying eyes closed shaking my business my high school was hovering around the room softly saying prayers singing gospel songs I had a heart attack at 41 years old no one thought I was gonna make it the doctors didn't think I was gonna make it my friends my family they were preparing my mother and the expectation that I was gonna die that she was gonna leave there with my body so I closed my eyes tightly when inside myself and fought fought fought to live drew up all the will I had all the shrimp I had to stay alive to stay here three days later I was still here I was alive in the coming days the doctors began transitioning me from the ICU to general hospital ward the last day I was in ICU a group of residents came to my room the chief resident stepped up to the bed spoke to me at my mother he said mr. briggs we've lured your blood pressure under control your heart is resumed there is assuming normal cardiac function but there's a problem your kidneys have failed we don't think they're going to start back at this point you're gonna need to go on dialysis that was heavy that was heavy because in my and my am i imagining here's our action stars they don't get sick they don't break down after the heart attack after the kidney failure somehow I knew that I would not be able to live the narrative their head created for myself on dialysis with kidney failure coming out of a heart attack I was weak I could really go up the subway stairs by myself on Dallas after the heart attack I would I would ball up on the floor for sometimes up to an hour and pain as my body went through went through spasms on Dallas system for the kidney failure and heart attack I pass out sometimes without warning once my daughter had to help me get up off the floor help me to the to the bed on dialysis I was a week I was less than the vision I had created for myself but my ego pushed me to get back into the game to try again to try to maintain this fantasy I had and so I went back to work I went back to the home of the organization which I had envisioned first in East Africa and I'm realized in South Africa trying to be the leader that I saw myself as being and I did go back to work for a time I went back to the organization I I tried to assume fully the ship but the people who had invested their their trust in me who respected me who supported me as they saw that I was being driven by ego they'd be back to way they left didn't lost their respect and I faulted as a leader I stumbled badly I failed it was a learning moment I've put my own ego my own aspirations my only for affirmation above the well-being of the organization and above the well-being and visibility of my colleagues in this effort I've told you about some very intimate very volatile moment of my life getting divorced separating divorced for a time losing connection with my daughter not long if she was born I've spoken about having a heart attack in kidney failure and the vulnerability and in danger of that and because of that I spoken up to you about failure of leadership after I failed as a leader I felt like a phony a imposter I felt all those accolades and awards and attention IBC previously we're just an illusion why am I talking to you about this today some of you in the audience are watching the livestream like me may identify yourself as a social entrepreneur and activist interrupt their changemaker thought layer what I found for my failures for my stumblings is that when you see you identify yourself in these ways it's very easy to become self a synonymous with your cause with the organization which you hold clear hold dear you know we feel that we're called to do these things we're called to leave or call to this action we're called to this issue this organization which is great but when your leader or yourself as above above others as a hero action star it's very easy to believe that you can't or shouldn't fail and shouldn't stumble you've existed you weren't allowed to happen but in truth the greatest moments of success of growth happen when you allow yourself to stumble and to stumble or fail forward today this opportunity some of the first times ever spoken about from these issues I've talked about you know going off to war I've talked to it to be about getting sick but haven't talked about failure in this way I can tell you for those of us who do work in social entrepreneurship a social active active activism or thought leadership these conversations really happen but they have to because we have to believe that in failure there is the opportunity for change telling you the story I have to be honest I feel relieved I feel really ashamed and like I can exhale finally because I thought that for longest time until very recently failure was something I should be ashamed of they had to hide not talk about gloss over in my resume and CV I want to issue a call to you a called call for action to take away from our conversation when good people when good ideas aren't allowed to fail they stagnate they don't get up they stumble backwards and they're damaged they may never never be realized but when failures seen as something to expect and accept and embrace you only increase the opportunity the likelihood that from that failure from that stumbling you can not only grow to be a better person into a better place be the best possible chance of realizing your dreams and your vision thank you very much you